First of all, I've updated Searching for Sight with a new version. Since it started out as an experiment with rhythm and such, I hadn't really designed it with cohesiveness in mind. This new version fixes that, Adding an introductory part, fixing rhythm errors that had driven me insane, and performing general touch-ups here and there to make it sound better. This new version is great. This is definitely one of the most gritty, "aggressive" things I've worked on.
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This has been a weird year for me, with a lot of rejection and a lot of disappointments. I'm finding more and more that things I thought I had talent in are things that, in reality, I am mediocre at best. Music is a good example of this.
I guess this is just a part of growing up, though, but it makes the path ahead look rather grim. I'm beginning to realize just how small I am in a world filled with seven billion people. (Yeah, actually, statistics say we may have finally hit the big seven sometime this week in terms of population!)
I mean, we all grow up wanting to be a superstar, a celebrity, someone that everyone looks up to, but the reality is that most of us will live out our lives, with 99.9999% of people not knowing or really caring about us in any significant way, and we won't really make any significant impact on the world around us. While that's incredibly negative, and massively depressing, it seems to be true. And I really wish someone would turn to me and say, "hey, that's not true, you can do anything if you really put your mind to it!" But in a universe in which so much seems to be based purely on chance and not really perseverance, I can't see how that's the case.
I guess all I've really wanted is some actual recognition. But every time I try to put myself out there for something, I get passed up for someone else. Thing is, I don't hold anything against anyone - I'm certain the competition was genuinely the better choice. But as this keeps happening, I'm left to wonder if maybe I don't even have talent after all. And even if I were lucky, and had managed to get many opportunities, how fair would that be, when there are probably millions of people more talented than me who are less fortunate? And, all in all, what good is recognition, anyway? Why is it so important to me? Doesn't that make me look rather greedy?
It's getting hard to be sure of myself - I keep trying to ask myself what it is that I really care about, what my real passion is. I used to have this feeling that, no matter what happens, I'd always have music. But I'm starting to even doubt that myself. I think it's because for most of my life I had this illusion of "free will," the idea that I could be anything I wanted to be. So rather than try to pursue anything, I went from here to there, dabbling in this and that, hoping that something would just one day hit me on the head, and I'd say "Eureka! I know what I'm going to do!" But as the days go by, I find myself caring less and less about things, as though I am slowly turning into a robot. If someone handed me a card with a random profession and said "here, you're going to do this for the rest of your life," I'm not sure I'd care. As long as I have some reassurance that I can make it into the real world in one piece, and afford to have a place to live and food to eat.
I'm even doubtful about my own interest in music. Here I am, making essentially re-arranged versions of stuff I already wrote rather than making new original content. And even as I look back at my past stuff, I can see that my music is derivative and sophomoric. Artist's curse of self-criticism? Maybe, but it still seems pretty clear that if I really want to be taken seriously, then I'm going to need to step my musical game up and start writing stuff that is more tasteful.
I'm sorry this post is kind of a downer, but I had a lot of things to get off my chest, and honestly, this blog is pretty safe space to do it, since nobody reads it anyway. And don't worry, I'm sure I can get through this rut - as it turns out, even just pretending to be confident can go a long way - I'll just have to figure out how I'm gonna do it. If you'd like to give your two cents, please feel free to send me an e-mail (I'm adding my address to the home page), I'd truthfully appreciate any and all words of advice.
Peace out everyone.
