The Death and Rebirth of Self-Confidence

Retroactive Disclaimer - This is a more personal post. If you'd rather not hear me go on a long, whiny, and occasionally foulmouthed rant, you might want to skip this one and read some of my other posts. Or maybe just leave and go browse some website like Reddit or Cracked. Or, y'know, go read a book or something, y'know. Just do something useful with your time.

But if you'd like to hear a story of how I managed to reclaim my sense of self-worth at a time when I thought I'd never see it again, read on.

Well, fine, you've been warned.

So last I left you (all like, two of you who actually read this), I was concerned about my future and pondering my own self-worth. Trying to deal with the fact that in the long run, I just wasn't wasn't that important. My life felt kind of directionless, and I was losing hope.

(Okay, well, technically, the time before that. But even last time, I mentioned I had some news I wanted to talk about. This is that.)

Well, in retrospect, there's more to that story, a lot more - and it might be healthy if I get this off my chest here, and state publicly what's been on my mind. See, a pretty big part of the reason for why I found myself falling apart a bit during summer and fall 2011 is due to some of the fallout of my breakup in fall 2010.

No, seriously. Don't laugh. Keep in mind I say fallout of the breakup, not the damn breakup itself. It has nothing to do with a "broken heart" or any kind of cliché bullshit like that. No, you know why it effected me so much? I was weak. I was weak and complacent, and my dumb ass couldn't handle losing something that I had valued so much. And no, I'm not blaming my ex at all. No dumb passive-aggressive crap like that. No. Hell, I deserved to be broken up with. I understand this now.

In fact, that was kinda the problem.

See, here's the thing. When I was in my relationship, I just didn't have to worry about anything. I glided by life just letting stuff happen as it did, not really taking too active a role in anything or worrying about myself and my actions and what their consequences might be. The simple fact that I was in a relationship I loved so much like powered me in a way that I can't even begin to express. It gave me all the energy I need.

I mean, I must have been the most clingy and inconsiderate asshole that ever did walk the earth. Dear god.

So that breakup happens, and it's like, boom. I don't realize it at first, because it takes a while for it to set in - but that driving force, the one that helps me get up in the morning and make it through the day and deal with other people, that driving force that gave me purpose and direction - just, gone. I have to do this shit myself now!? How does that even work!?

Bit by bit, I began to come out of a fog. What was becoming clear was that for the past several years I had defined myself primarily by my existence in this relationship - it gave me a sense of identity and a sense of direction - both of which in turn drove my confidence and my self-worth. Now that that was gone, I realized I basically didn't know who I was anymore. I would have to figure that out myself.

As it happened, that soul-searching process would take me until the summer, when I went to Ireland with a group of other students from around the world. Now these people weren't my friends, and they weren't going to know me after this trip - so they had no incentive not to call me out on random bullshit I did. Yeah, it kind of hurt, but it was a wake-up call, and an important one. I became more and more aware of what I do, what exactly defines who this person I am is.  And you know what, I gotta be honest: I found that I was a needy, whiny loser, with no confidence and no real people skills, wallowing in my own depression yet not actively trying to do anything about it.

I was finally discovering who I really was.... and it wasn't someone I wanted to be.

I would need to rebuild myself from scratch.

But how? I spent the rest of the summer mulling this over, but never really found an answer, and I went into my fall semester with no real plan for myself - simply playing everything by ear.

It was weird. I didn't get my job back, and I wasn't happy with my classes - especially my Cognitive Science classes (my major). I rejoined choir to try to give myself a sense of purpose again, but it really just felt intimidating to be among so many talented people. In fact, dealing with other human beings in general started to become a huge issue - much of the insane social anxieties that plagued my life during middle and high school (ie before my relationship) were returning again. I didn't understand why this was happening now, and it sucked. Life just felt pointless, and I felt pointless. I was slipping into what I was damn sure was a bona-fide depression. And not one of those bullshit fake ones highschoolers get.

And some of that was due to growing concerns I was having with my major. Optimistic, naive pre-breakup me was the one that decided that major might be a good idea. And it's certainly an interesting field, I mean, I'm not gonna knock it. Especially the way I wanted to work it into education, which I also really do care deeply about - but I knew I didn't want to be an education major - so I would want to work it into something more practical. Here I felt like I had created the perfect major that would satisfy my desire to want to do a little bit of everything. That is the founding belief behind the liberal arts, isn't it?

But I was becoming more and more disillusioned with it as I continued. My education and psychology - oriented classes were great, I really liked them - but I just, for some reason I just didn't care about Cognitive Science... like, at all. That didn't seem to bode well for something that was, you know, MY GODDAMN MAJOR.

So I was beginning to realize, deep down, that I had kind of made a mistake with it. But I figured since I was already pretty knee-deep into it, that it would be irresponsible of me to try to turn back now. I might as well try to stay positive and make the best of it I can.

But as you can imagine, that didn't work out well for me at all, and my spirits continued to sink. If I couldn't have pride in my own field of study, then how the fuck am I supposed to have any sort of future in it? What the hell kind of life am I expecting to lead post-college?

Well, I needed help. I couldn't just say silent anymore. So I began talking about my problems more candidly with my parents. For a while now they had been concerned that it seemed like I was just living my life day-by day, with no real pride or drive. And, well, I mean, they were right.  Still, admitting that to them was pretty damn hard - they were pretty irritated at first, as you can imagine (this school is fucking expensive, after all) - but being out in the open about it with them really did help, and I almost feel like my relationship with them has grown after just being more honest with them. Meanwhile, I also started talking my concerns with career advisors at my college.  Out of all these talks, I came to the revelation that my feeling of "changing = irresponsible" was bullshit! I mean, I'm at this school, this expensive school, to try to hone my skills and become the best at what I do and like! If I don't really have any pride in what it is I'm doing, then what's the point?

I weighed my life and my choices and realized that a field where I felt like I belonged, a place that had a lot of potential, and one that I already had a lot of pride to be a part of already existed - computer science. That revelation hit me like a ton of bricks - Duh!! In fact, I was considering being a computer science major since freshman year, but I didn't want to feel like I was wasting my time at such a distinguished liberal arts school doing something so un-liberal artsy. What a stupid thing for me to think!

So, rather late into the game, I packed up my life and decided to switch my major to Computer Science. Keep in mind this is the end of the first half of my junior year - there wasn't a whole lot of time, so getting caught up was going to suck, by definition. But I didn't care, you know? I'd been afraid of going the extra mile for too long now, and it's high time I actually woke up and learned what it's like to drive and challenge myself. I was totally up for the challenge. But it was a place that just felt right. I mean, some of my best friends here are the ones I've met through computer science. And it's a small community as departments go at Vassar, so I know pretty much everyone and feel like I get along pretty well with these folk. It's like, these are my people!

So, unlike last semester, I started out this semester with a plan. I was gonna make this major change work. I had a goal, I had a drive now. I was committed to making this plan work. A tiny, motivating fire had been relit where previously there was none - and it felt good. In fact, life felt completely different - so different, in fact, that I sometimes got confused and thought it was the fall - cuz it felt like a whole new year, a whole new beginning.

And yeah. The first two weeks were pretty hectic. From nothing, I was trying to assemble a three-semester plan that would somehow allow me to graduate with a Computer Science degree. It was constantly back and forth, back and forth between different professors, trying to make shit work.  But I had a drive again, and from that came confidence - and that felt good. And yes, eventually I was able to get all the paperwork filled out and have now officially declared my concentration in Computer Science and correlate in Music Composition.

And ever since then, everything else has seemed to fall right into place - little victories, like getting my old job back for instance, boost my confidence bit by bit. It feeds into everything else I do, and causes a chain reaction. With more confidence and drive, I'm keeping more organized, I've begun making actually regular and consistent trips to the gym, and a lot of my social anxieties have improved dramatically. For the first time in what feels like a long time, I feel truly happy again.

I know I'm calling this all a little early, but I don't want to stop rolling the ball and grow complacent. I want to drive myself to keep improving, keep being better than I can be, and apply it to all I do. I want this to become habit.

But I'm not just magically "better." I've still got a long way to go. And you know what, here's the thing, and let me just point this out right now: I am slowly learning that going to parties and having tons of friends should absolutely not be the sign of social status and litmus-test for how much of a "life" you have, as such things are so unfortunately represented in the media - and sometimes, just learning to enjoy solitude, and being happy with yourself, are some of the most important skills you can have. But I can't help but wonder if this isn't just something I tell myself to justify my relative lack of a social life. But when it all comes down to it, I just don't know how interested in that sort of thing I am. It just doesn't really excite me at all. It just seems like a bullshit social construct thing we made up, and it doesn't mean anything to me.

And of course, one of those last bits of psychological shrapnel left over from my breakup is my now gripping fear of any kind of like, romantic interaction. I'm terrified of the prospect of having to try to approve and live up to someone's standards. I'm so wimpy and inexperienced in these matters - how am I ever supposed to impress anyone like that? Seriously, it keeps me up at night. That entire fucking world, the one of dating and relationships and hookups and the like, just feels so fucking alien to me. It's like being in another country and knowing none of the customs.

And I'm still paranoid. I'm fucking terrified people think lowly of me, and I don't want people to think that. I want people to look at me and have confidence in me, get the sense I know what I'm doing and can be respected. That's not even vain, I just want to be someone that inspires confidence in people. I don't wanna look like I'm lazy and disorganized and don't take things seriously - which is always what I fear people think about me.

It's weird, I don't think I've ever admitted that this publicly before. And like, I've told this to people, and they've told me how silly that sounds, and that I shouldn't worry. And really, I know it is, I really do. But it's just one of those things that sits gnawing at the back of my mind. But it's certainly gotten a lot better than it was before, and that probably has a lot to do with my improved sense of confidence. I can't just change my outward personality overnight, but I figure the more positive and confident I try to stay, the more I can hopefully exude that sense of confidence onto others.

But all in all, this year has represented a time of improvement and progress - the rebirth of my life. I can only hope to continue that progress and make this year one of the best I've had so far.

It's worth noting that recently I've noticed a pattern with my music - every year I seem to improve both my skill and my overall output. While this might just make sense, it's still very encouraging to see it actually happen. I think even recently, probably as a combination of my own general improvement and the effect of my Electronic Music class, I've noticed I've gained an important set of skills that will improve the quality of my music output. Or at least, I notice stuff I didn't before, and it's going to allow me to increase the overall fidelity of my music.

For instance - I've noticed that for a lot of my stuff there's a sort of characteristic "dull" quality to it, that gives it away as being clearly a low-fi production slapped together in GarageBand. Now I'm beginning to see that a lot of that has to do with the EQ and the use of spatialization. Why EQ? Well, it hit me that part of the reason there was a "dull" quality was because there LITERALLY wasn't enough "bright," high-frequency sound in the mix - and a lot of that has to do with the way I was mixing percussion. As far as spatialization goes, well, just keeping it more varied gives it a cleaner, and less "boring and generic" sound.

Bearing all of this in mind, and some things I learned working on redesigning the OTF Theme Tune (I've talked enough, more on that whole story later!), I decided to take another whack at "Chao ab Ordo" - which has come to symbolize "breaking through and continuing on, full steam and just being awesome," so it felt right. So to wrap this whole rant up, enjoy the 2012 mix of "Chao ab Ordo."


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